Some say that “past is prologue”. Others say “the end is in the beginning”. Looking back at the early weeks of my past relationships, I see the clues about their future demise. I ignored the omens I suppose. The older I get, the more aware I am that I am ignoring them in the moment. The bricks to my future walls were there in all their various shapes and sizes, waiting for the excitement and the newness to pass before the time was right to begin construction on The Keep.
Most people enter new relationships with the castle walls around their heart already constructed. There are things they won’t talk about and details they refuse to share. As time goes on and comfort grows, they may begin to tear the bricks down one by one, but some never will. They’ll live in the comfortable shade behind their walls forever, never really letting anyone in and always wondering why they feel so alone.
I’m not like that. Many times in my life I wished that I was. It’d be easier to hold someone at a distance and essentially use them, without letting them get close to my heart, but that is not how I operate. I let people in, until they reveal they don’t deserve to be there and I have to come up with a plan to forcefully evict them. My eviction plan takes way too damn long, since I’m preoccupied with building The Keep around my heart one brick at a time. It takes me awhile to even notice that I have been building The Keep, and once I notice it is a foregone conclusion that I will end the relationship soon. As soon as the first brick is laid, I am withdrawing. I am speaking less because I don’t feel like they are listening, or I am doubting every word I want to say because I have been criticized for the words I’ve chosen. My desire to be around them begins to wane because it takes all the energy I have to walk the imaginary tightrope they are constructing with their criticisms. I can’t say certain things, I can’t talk about certain topics, and I can’t let myself get heated on any topic because I’m either embarrassing them or disturbing their peace. Even if I manage to walk the tight rope, it is never good enough, because they will continue to remind me of all the times I fell off of it before.
There is no grace. There is no peace. These are things I only know when I’m alone. So The Keep must be built, and I build a new one for every lover that comes along and treats me like I’m the drawbridge to some better castle.
I’ll continue to build The Keep. Once it’s constructed, I’ll build the moat and put a dragon in it too. Maybe this time it’ll keep the trolls away. If only I could learn how to stay within the walls, instead of running to the open fields of flowers where it’s so warm and beautiful, only to be seduced by yet another Knight In Good Enough Armor that makes me want to leave the open fields and trade the sun on my skin for walls, corridors, and rooms no one can go in.