• Order From The Chaos

    “My only way way out is to go so far in” – Tori Amos, Spring Haze

    I’ve been writing for over a decade. At first, it felt like a strange compulsion to write about some rather disconnected experiences I’d been having. Over time, the collection grew. There would be periods in my life where I would be quite verbose, and others where I found myself in a morose, almost alexithymic state. I seem to have intermittent access to the words that are buried deep within my psyche. When the words materialize in my mind, I begin writing, and during those times I am quite prolific. Sadly I acknowledge that this state is a temporary one, so I should take advantage of it while it is here.

    When I first began writing, I didn’t have a plan. It felt chaotic and unorganized, which is the exact opposite of how I work as a software engineer. I always seem to have a plan, even though I usually don’t write it down and I probably couldn’t articulate it to anyone if I tried. I never seem to need to though, it’s like it’s seared into my brain and I can see the beginning, middle and end, all simultaneously.

    I may not have initially understood why I felt compelled to write, but I do now. The plan came together after a handful of experiences that involved some discussions with a good friend of mine, and a few random dates I went on with guys who’d been married in the temple but were recently divorced. All these years I was convinced my experience was unique, only to find out that the kinds of things I’d be going through had been a shared experience with many couples in the Church. My experience may be shared, but my perspective is not. I need to write, because there is a message for leaders of the Church and also for the women in it. That message has to do with the shame we so easily pick up, and the consequences of doing so.

    This message may lead to my ex-communication. I have accepted that now. This is the road I must walk, and in so doing, I acknowledge the risk. I can not see the end of this story of my life, but I feel that I am nearing the beginning of the final chapters of it. My story may cause some discomfort in myself and others, and I hope that whatever discomfort I cause is outweighed by the change that it inspires. My journey has been difficult yet awe-inspiring, tinged with moments of great loss and even greater triumph.

    I am now assembling the connections of writings that I was once felt were discombobulated into the message that I have for the world. It’s as if a great puzzle is coming together, and all of the pieces are falling into place.

    “Chaos is the score upon which reality is written” – Henry Miller

  • An Atypical Dating Profile

    I’d have a hard time getting this message across through the majority of dating apps these days!

    Dear Potential Suitor and fellow human searching for love and connection here on this rather lame dating app,

    If you’re turned off by the number of words I’ve written, feel free to quit reading as you are clearly not my person. Good luck on your journey.

    Our culture has done a wonderful job reducing the complexity of human beings to a short snippet of information to be consumed by the rather inattentive masses. I refuse to be reduced. I will not fit in the box they’ve created, and every time I try to play the game like everyone else, I end up quitting within weeks of starting because it makes me feel gross.

    This is an attempt to convey my complexity, and I’m hoping it serves to discourage the wrong men and attract the right one. People say “dating is a numbers game” and I should go on lots of dates, but dating doesn’t interest me in the slightest. It is a relationship and a deep connection I am after, not small talk over drinks in a dark and noisy bar. And please do not ask me to throw axes with you.

    I’m an introvert who clearly likes to write. I have a blog, but I don’t have many readers. I don’t promote it much, but occasionally I’ll share it with my tiny group of friends. I have a public blog that I’m building content for slowly over time because I’m writing a book that one day I will promote. The book is going to be about the story of my life, my relationship with the LDS Church, my temple marriage, and my divorce. I am not active in the church anymore and I don’t consider myself anti-Mormon either. I have a message to the women of the Church that I hope helps to strengthen their marriages. In a nutshell, the story is about shame and sex, and how these things do not combine to create healthy relationships with even the most well intentioned members of the church.

    During the years when my marriage was crumbling, I avoided my emotions by throwing myself into my career. For a very long time I truly believed I was autistic- the genius kind that isn’t the best with people. I have a degree to teach math, but I’ve never taught. I should’ve majored in Computer Science because it wouldn’t started my career sooner. Currently I work as a Data Architect for a small bank. I took the job to get away from the chaos and poor management of tech companies, because I was burnt out from letting my career take all my energy and rob me of building stronger relationships with the most important people in my life.

    If you’ve managed to read this far, I congratulate you on your attention span. Too many people let social media wreck their attention span, and they don’t miss the loss. I can’t afford to let that happen. I need my attention span for my career and for my goals to write the book, so I keep my distance from social media. Sometimes I fall into the trap, but these days I course correct pretty quickly.

    Besides writing words and code, I also like to read, paint, hike, take pictures, hang out with my dogs, and dance. I really love to learn new things. For many years that energy was exclusively poured into learning new programming languages, but now I’m learning how to fix up my house. I love to travel but that’s at odds with my desire to save money, so I have to limit the amount of traveling I do. I consider myself a bit of a foodie, but I also really love to cook.

    It may sound like I’m super busy, but I’m really not. I carve out space to sit and reflect often, because I find myself overwhelmed by our society in general. No one sits in silence anymore (or hikes in silence! Please stop playing music on the trails!)

    I’m hoping I can find someone who has their own passions and people in their life who are important to them. I don’t have a fantastical view of love or unreasonable expectations around relationships. I want someone who’s intelligent and reasonably ambitious, who also understands the hollowness of the trappings of money and career. Love is a verb, that requires honest communication and respect. I don’t chase “the spark” because I know that it fades. The type of relationship I want won’t burn out quickly and will begin with a much better foundation than physical attraction or sex on the first date (ick!). Attraction is important and so is physical health, so if you’re out of shape and neglect your health, we won’t be compatible.

    If money wasn’t an issue, I’d be a teacher or a ranger in a national park. I’d still code, but it’d be on personal projects that I’m interested in for my own reasons. Maybe one day that’ll happen, but it’ll be after my kids are through college and things become less demanding financially.

    If what I’ve written intrigues you and didn’t bore you to tears, connect! If I find you at least minimally attractive and your profile doesn’t reek of desperation, we’ll match. Please keep in mind that I’ve turned the app notifications off as a way to protect my attention span, so it may take me a day or two to see it. Whatever the case, I wish you well and I hope you find what you’re looking for. You’re worth much more than these stupid apps have reduced you to.

  • The Database is a Bridge and a Magnet

    In 2012, I took a huge leap. I left a job where I was doing exceptionally well because I recognized the need to get away from Visual Foxpro and develop skills in other areas. I knew that besides getting my feet wet with SQL Server, I would probably not learn any more worthwhile technical skills at that company.

    I planned on using SQL Server as the bridge to the next thing, but ended up spending a great deal of time there and consequently honed that skill so much that people think I’m a DBA and often refer to me as one. Becoming a DBA was never my plan. I couldn’t care less about what drives your data is on, or whether you use replication or Always on Availability Groups. Being on a newer version of SQL Server Enterprise version is pretty cool though. Doing database administrator types of things is not fulfilling to me but reading and writing code is. Emphasis on writing. And I don’t mean Powershell.

    The job I took right after I left was purely a TSQL developer role. I went from a very small privately owned company to a big publicly traded Fortune 500 one. I loved the coding work I did there, but the time I spent in meetings bored me to tears, so when a contact from the first job reached out and asked me if I was interested in moving to Salt Lake City, I said YES.

    I knew that taking that job as their IT Manager would mean doing more than being a SQL Server and ERP developer. At the time, I thought being a network administrator interested me. My dad owned his own company doing just that, so I knew enough to be intrigued. In reality, I really don’t like reading event logs, and I prefer to read code to figure things out.

    I enjoyed my time with that company, and accomplished many great things. I spent a great deal of time on reporting, automating reporting, and coding EDI integrations. I also greatly enhanced a warehouse management system and fully implemented it while there. I was quite proud of the work I did, even though a good deal of it was in Foxpro. I was helping this company to become data driven. The work mattered, and I was valued and respected. I ended up leaving that job after 3 years, because I knew that I had grown as much as I could there. I needed to work for a tech company again, one that had their own enterprise level application and a technical team that I could learn from.

    The next job was really close to my home, and even though the interview was underwhelming, I accepted the job anyways. They had what I needed in their environment- they used SQL Server and had their own enterprise level application even though it was in another dying language. I did mostly database work while there, working on complex ETL projects using SSIS and performance tuning slow stored procedures. The culture wasn’t right for me though. Before this job, I really didn’t care much about culture, but now I know better.

    That brings me to my current job. I’ve been there over a year and half now, and was hired for my database developer skills. I quickly proved myself to them by rewriting a complex stored procedure that other developers must’ve been too afraid to change in any meaningful way. After that project, I was assigned to several other database projects, and ended up becoming a performance tuning guru that other teams come to for advice when their code doesn’t perform.

    Even though I knew I was appreciated and I had skills that others lacked, it wasn’t fulfilling to me. Perhaps the thing in my personality (or neural makeup) that drives me to hyper-focus on a thing to the point of absurdity was blinding me to the fact that someone moved my cheese! I was quite content with the work I had done at my first job. I recognized that being in a huge enterprise level application was the best environment for me to learn in. I learned fast and retained the information better than many around me. This helped me to become a developer that others would turn to for help. Thank you John Carpenter for showing me my potential!

    So for several months I hit the job search again, but I am quite picky and my list of requirements has grown over the years. I needed to be hired for my database skills, specifically SQL Server, but the environment needed to be one where I could do more than just write T-SQL. I’m interested in several things but being an application developer has been the thing I’ve been searching for all these years. I found a job that was pretty close to what I’ve been looking for, although I would’ve been more of a database/API developer than an application developer. I gave my notice, but to my surprise, my current job counter offered and gave me a chance to do more inside their enterprise application. FINALLY!

    Have I really found what I’ve been looking for all these years? I don’t know. I hope so. I can’t imagine getting far away from the database though, because of the utter lack of developers who possess these skills. Apparently SQL is easy to learn but incredibly hard to master, and many developers never bother to really study it. I think that’s tragic, because it is a very useful skill. In a way, I wish that making SQL fast was more fulfilling to me. I just don’t find it challenging in the same way that I found application development challenging.

    My advice to others: recognize that the database can be a bridge to the next thing. There is value in studying it, but once you set yourself apart, it may be hard to get away from. This might be considered a good thing, depending on what fulfills you.

    My advice to recruiters: not all database developers want to be DBAs. Just because a person gains expert level knowledge in one thing doesn’t mean they can’t do the same in something else. You should be assessing ability to learn more than skills previously attained, but perhaps it’s the hiring managers that need that lesson more than the recruiters do.

  • I’m Speaking At Pass Summit 2018!

    I am thrilled, nervous, overwhelmed, humbled, grateful, but mostly LUCKY.

    I’ve been involved with the Pass community since 2014. In 2017, I began presenting at local user groups and SQL Saturdays. So far I think I’ve only done three SQL Saturdays and two local user groups.

    I blog, but only barely.

    I write stuff on Medium occasionally, but that’s more about life than tech.

    I want to do more, but life (mainly my health) gets in the way. It’s a struggle to find the energy to get out of bed every day, manage to be engaged and productive at work, and raise my four children (18,16,13, and 8 years old) with my husband who is battling his own health issues. The last year and a half has been terribly rough. I went from training to compete in a fitness competition to getting several scans of my brain seemingly overnight.

    Things are getting better though! I’ve been feeling much better lately and my job is going very well. I found out earlier this week that I’d be presenting at Summit. Yes, it’s last minute. I was tempted to turn it down, but I know that one month is plenty of time to prepare without OVER preparing.

    How did I get so lucky? I am sure there are speakers out there who have done much more than I have in the Pass community that are scratching their heads about my selection, even if it was clearly last minute and due to spaces needing to be filled. So I am going to tell you!

    I started attending Summit in 2014. 2014 through 2016 I learned a great deal. I took several sessions on T-SQL topics because I’m mainly a database developer. I was briefly a DBA, so I’ve also taken some sessions on random DBA topics just so I could be more knowledgeable. Reporting, BI, and ETL have all come up through my career, but they were never the constant. T-SQL was. For the first few years, the T-SQL coverage at Summit was FANTASTIC.

    Somewhere around 2016 or 2017, the T-SQL coverage at Summit dropped significantly. Last year (2017) I submitted a session called SHARPen Your BILMScript. I had recently begun working with BIML and I’d been trying to work with C# for years. I really enjoyed the subject so I submitted my session. Of course it wasn’t selected. BIML is a niche topic, I don’t work for Varigence, and I don’t have my name on any BIML technical books. I didn’t submit any T-SQL sessions that year because usually there is an abundance of T-SQL sessions at Summit, and they’re done by well known speakers like Aaron Bertrand. I can’t compete with that!

    At Pass Summit 2017 there were barely any sessions on T-SQL. While I admit there was probably more than I found when I searched for them, from my perspective there was not enough. For 2018, I decided to submit two T-SQL sessions. The call for speakers came and the selections were made, but I was not chosen.

    At some point between then and now I decided that I would start making SQL videos and blogging more (inspired by Bert Wagner I suppose). I’ve made one video so far. Shortly after I posted that video on YouTube, I was contacted by Pass and asked if I could present my Behold The Power of Dynamic SQL session. Whoa.

    YES!!! Of course I will present!

    I know I must’ve been chosen because Pass had a spot open and realized that their T-SQL content was lacking, and I happened to have two sessions covering that area. I saw the hole from prior years and I tried to fill it. I was in the right place at the right time.

    Like I said before, I was LUCKY.

    See you at Summit

    PS. I have a degree to teach. I was going to teach math to high school students, but life is funny and I ended up becoming a software engineer instead. It’s time I combine my experience with my education and share what I’ve learned the last 12 years.

  • Salvation By SQL- My Journey Into Tech

    My journey into tech began when I was a young girl. My father was a huge influence on me. He worked with computers, initially doing radar and electronics with the military, and then owning his own businesses after he retired. His first business was a video/audio/computer repair store, back in the days when people would pay money to have a VCR repaired. His next business was a computer hardware/networking contracting business. Companies in Las Vegas mostly would pay him to set up and configure their computer networks and their phones.

    It wasn’t what he did that influenced me, although I was exposed to computers very early on. I remember the days before Windows when you had to use DOS to do anything, and I watched my dad do anything from soldering parts onto motherboards to running DOS commands.

    My journey began with mathematics. My dad’s sister had a math degree and taught high school and college classes for many years, but she lived across the nation from us. My dad never had any bias towards math, and more specifically, towards women and math. He never told me that I didn’t need to be good at math. He helped me with my homework when I was very young- but not very often since I didn’t need much help. He never discouraged me from trying to get A’s in math. My mom was horrible at math! But I was more like him, and she understood that.

    I did well in high school, but not fantastic. I was in all of the honors classes with all of the other smart kids- my friends. Most of my close friends ending up ranking as valedictorian or somewhere in the top 10. I think I was in the top 40. I wasn’t as driven as they were. That would come later.

    I went to college right after high school. I toured the engineering department at UNLV but was scared off by the foreign professors with thick accents. My first year I’m not sure that I had a major. I took the required classes but mostly partied. I lived in the dorms for the first year, and in hindsight that was an absolutely awful idea. BOYS! In my dorms! Across the hall from me!

    Somehow I survived that year, and managed to pass my first college level Calculus class. The professor was Chinese, with a thick accent. I got a terrible grade on the normal grading scale, but it curved to an A because of how awful the teacher was. That scared me away from math for a few years.

    I meandered through a handful of majors after that, from criminal justice (I wanted to be a lawyer), to veterinary science (but I’m allergic to animals), and then full circle back to math. Secondary Education- Mathematics, I wanted to TEACH. A few short years had passed and suddenly things in my brain clicked. Calculus 2 and 3 were a breeze. I had friends I would study with, and I’d be the one explaining things. All of a sudden I was really good at something, not just adequate, but GOOD. By the point I took Probability and Statistics, which was near the end of my college experience after I had taken a ton of theoretical proof classes, I was incredibly good. That class was full of engineering majors, but I was the one at the top. I aced every exam, and got the extra credit. Honestly, I really hit the jackpot on that one. I understood the concepts easily enough, but my winning strategy was my procrastination techniques. I waited until the night before the exam and did ALL of the homework. That helped me get to know the book very well. The exam was open book, and most of the other students thought that meant the exam would be easy because you could look everything up. They were wrong. The tests were incredibly long, and those students weren’t fast. I was fast. It was awesome! That class also made me appreciate working with actual numbers again, after having spent so much time in abstractions.

    Besides math, one other very important thing happened during the course of my college experience. I had an advisor in the department of education, at UNR. It came time for me to take a computer class, and the options were the basic computing (word/excel/etc) class, but also an intro to programming class. I told him that I wanted to take the programming class. That guy, whose background was in mathematics, told me that just because I was good at math didn’t mean that I’d be good at computers. The nerve! I angrily told him that computers were in my BLOOD, and I’d be taking the harder class. So glad I didn’t cave to that guy’s shortsightedness.

    My first class was CompSci 201-Intro to Programming, in C++. By this point I was married and my husband had taken the class the semester before and flunked. We took it together, and in fact, I was pregnant with my first child that semester. The class was amazingly easy for me, and I helped my husband get through the class. I questioned my major- why didn’t I get into this sooner? I was so close to being done with my degree that I decided to finish on the track that I was on. Oddly enough, I’ve never taught, so it all worked out pretty well.

    My next brush with computer science would come years later when my husband was finally finishing up his degree at BSU. His major was Computer Information Systems in the Business Department. It’s not as technical as a computer science degree, but he had to take a few programming classes. Among them was a SQL class. Again though, he struggled. Three weeks before the end of the semester it became apparent he’d probably lose his financial aid if he flunked this class. So I opened his book. Taught myself, and then taught him. If I remember correctly, it was PL-SQL. He passed the class!

    A month or so later we decided I needed to get a job to help support us so he could focus on school more and work less. I applied for some jobs. Among them, an actuarial entry level position and a job with a software company. The software company called, the actuarial company never did. The software company interviewed me and hired me at the interview. I remember telling them how smart I was, and how quickly I learn things, and how awesome my memory is. All true- but I’m really not that confident. You have to be confident on interviews though, and I knew this. It was painful selling myself like this. I was so confident in my abilities and I really wanted the chance to work for them, I offered to start at $13/hour. Yeah that was ridiculous, and it was 2006! They took me up on it.

    The language was FoxPro, which I refer to now as the Great Equalizer. The vast majority of programmers who came to work at this company would have to learn FoxPro on the job. I learned quickly. I was doing billable work within two weeks, and leading big projects within 3 months. When it came time for a raise, my boss bumped me up significantly. Within a year, I was teaching other programmers and I was promoted to “senior programmer/analyst”. Honestly, FoxPro was not hard. However, the environment it was used in was difficult. It was built by a company much bigger than we were, and they took full advantage of the object oriented environment. Inheritance was everywhere. A programmer could easily get lost in the code if they chose to “step into” every line of code they saw while debugging. I didn’t get lost. I seemed to have a knack for filtering out the extraneous information around me and focusing on what I needed to. Maybe it all that practice solving word problems in math.

    I was at that software company for over 6 years. I loved the work immensely. I was on the front lines, dealing with customers, traveling, overseeing projects, coordinating upgrades, you name it I did it! Except for selling- that’s what my boss the owner did. He often sold “vapor-ware” though, and I’d end up coding a huge project quickly under pressure as a result.
    Eventually the stress started to catch up to me. Troubles started to surface with my mental health and in my marriage. I was always working, even when I was home. I really took ownership of the things I worked on, so if there were problems, I worked tirelessly to rectify those problems. Most of the time those problems were because of poor leadership at the company, and poor quality with my coworkers.

    Due to the economic downturn of 2008, technical jobs became scarce in Boise. Two big companies in the area had laid off massive amounts of highly skilled workers. The company that I was at was thriving, and growing, even during this downturn. Finding another job during this time would be nearly impossible. I looked for years, but never got as much as an interview. I remember at one point when the software company was hiring we received over one hundred applicants for three positions. I was involved in the hiring process, and it was intense. I was glad I wasn’t unemployed during that time.

    Years passed, the stress continued, my marriage held together somehow, and eventually I decided I had to take drastic steps to get out. I applied for graduate school, and got in. I was going to get a master’s in mathematics, and my plan was to focus on statistics as much as possible. The day I told my boss that I was going back to school he nearly croaked (we were in Iowa on a business trip together, and that business trip was going horribly. Again, lack of leadership.) Shortly thereafter he told me to name my price “north of where I was now but less than 100K”. I never told him a figure. I was tired of being married to that job and I wanted a divorce! And there’s no way I could’ve taken that kind of money from them. His wife, who also helped run the company and was there every day, didn’t understand all that I could do. She wasn’t technical, and had no perception of how smart I was or how much money I was worth. She’d resent me and she’d resent her husband for giving me that kind of money. No thank you.

    I went to school for one semester, but it didn’t go well. Things were much different now. Maybe my brain just didn’t work that way anymore, or maybe the professors at BSU were really that bad. The classes I was taking were far too on the abstract side of math, even from the Statistics professor, and not enough on the applied side. I didn’t like that at all. Not what I envisioned one bit. I didn’t go back the second semester, and then I ended up landing another job! FINALLY!

    This second job in tech was for a healthcare company that had several teams of highly technical people. I was hired as “SQL Developer II”, and initially I felt out of my league. I didn’t know as much as it seemed when they interviewed me, I just knew enough to sound intelligent during the interview. I interview well. I’m personable and I talk clearly, at least during interviews. I’m great at technical interviews though, my memory serves me well. People are usually impressed.

    I did very well at that job. Huge data set, in health care claims processing, and much to learn. I liked the coding, which consisted of writing TSQL stored procedures and functions. That took up about half of my time, but the other half was spent in meetings. Testing meetings, release meetings, you name it meetings. That was boring.

    I had a few run-ins with one particular female coworker. She wasn’t a developer though, and she was a pretty smart woman working in a lower level management position of a configuration team. She was also a manipulative conniving @!%*$. Word seemed to spread pretty fast that I was smart, but she went out of her way to throw me under as many busses as she possibly could. She would tell me that she needed something from me, I’d research that and then respond to her through email that I needed something from her, she’d neglect to see that email, and then blame me for dropping the ball. She’d loop in as many bosses as she could on just about every email string, in an attempt to make me look bad to upper management. It was quite frustrating. Her efforts really bothered me, but they weren’t very successful.

    When it came time for me to give notice that I was quitting, the boss over my small team told me that they were really impressed by how fast I picked things up and they wanted to promote me to a different position. This company was national, but had accounts in every state. The job they wanted to promote me to was one that served the company nationally instead of just locally. WOW. The type of promotion that people at this company aspired to, and they were offering it to me and I hadn’t been there one year! Again, another chance at $100K. It would be much more work, and it’d be stressful. I wasn’t ready for that. I enjoyed having time with my family again, even though the days at work dragged by and I was bored beyond belief. So I declined.

    I took a position in Salt Lake City for a company that I had visited while working for the software company in Boise. They were impressed by how quickly I got things done, and when they saw that I had left the software company, they started talking to me. The people at this company are among the nicest most generous people I have ever known. I couldn’t resist that opportunity, even though we’d need to pack up and move. My husband was unemployed at the time, so it was perfect timing. We made the big move! My new title? IT Manager. Department of 1 (me!)

    Back to supporting a FoxPro application, but they’re on SQL Server thank goodness. I took what I learned from the healthcare company, and even some while just on the periphery (SSIS/SSRS- thanks Harsha and Will!) and applied it to my new job. I installed and configured SSRS, created a ton of reports, and then automated those reports for email delivery. My bosses thought I was a genius! Shhhh- it’s super simple to automate reporting with SSRS! But they don’t need to know that. I use SSIS and TSQL to automate things that we need to happen with the data, thereby reducing the likelihood of user error or even reducing the need for a person to do a certain job. I’m also the DBA, the reluctant DBA who’d rather develop, but I’ve been able to learn a ton in my tiny little environment on a standard edition of SQL Server 2008r2. I learn from people’s technical blogs and websites, thank goodness I’ve got awesome google powers and smart people out there blog as much as they go. They’ve helped me countless times, from answering other people’s questions or from just covering a subject they’ve chose to write about. I’ve been to the Pass Summit twice now, and I get to see these brilliant people present there and at SQL Saturdays. Thank you #SQLFamily! I look up to you so much!

    So now I’m beginning to get bored at this job too. I’ve done so much in the short two and half years I’ve been there. Lately I spend the majority of my time doing things I’d rather not do- supporting the network, the hardware, the users. I want to code! They do give me a long leash, and I have creative license to a certain extent, so I’m using that leash and license to learn C#. I’m planning on replacing some of the FoxPro programs with C# programs, and who knows where that will take me. I just hope it’s closer to the CODE! For now, I’ll stay put. They’re a great group of people to work for, which makes up for the fact that I am a lone developer surrounded by absolutely no one who is even remotely like me. I actually miss the geeks. I learned a lot from my fellow coworkers, and I miss that terribly, even though sometimes they smelled funny or were difficult to talk to.