• Unattended Grief and The Dark Night of The Soul

    February 25, 2024

    I’m in a very sorrowful place, crying almost daily and doing everything I can to process the emotions that are long overdue.

    I know intuitively that it is time to feel the feelings I have been pushing down for as long as I can remember.

    How did I get here?

    I’m sure if I dug deep enough I could trace everything back to my childhood, but it isn’t the time to do that. For now, I’ll start with adulthood and my history with anti-depressants.

    I was married at 21. My husband was only 6 months older than me, and we were both attending college and working as food servers during the early years of our marriage. At some point I caught a flu that lasted over a month and drained me of my energy for several more. I went to the university health clinic and discovered I was infected with mononucleosis. Looking back I don’t know how I managed to get my studies done but somehow I did.

    The months following the acute illness were a struggle. My appetite was non-existent and I had no energy. When the doctor suggested Prozac, I decided to give them a try. I’ve always struggled with side-effects to medications, and this marked the beginning of attempting anti-depressant after anti-depressant and contemplating how much the benefits were worth the costs. Are the nausea and headaches worth having the crippling sadness taken away? With Prozac, the side effects were horrible. I still remember experiencing my first “brain-zap” while standing in the Chili’s that I worked at in Reno. I didn’t stay on that drug much longer.

    Within a few years I would have my first child and experience bouts of post-partum depression. Sometime after the rush of childbirth wore off the exhaustion and depression began. I was simultaneously happy and fulfilled while also exhausted and miserable. I turned into a giant clam, and I told no one that I was suffering. I’d have to repeat this struggle 2 more times before I would finally tell my doctor as I approached delivery that I was most likely going to get post-partum depression.

    It was between my third and fourth child that a doctor would find an anti-depressant that I found tolerable. The doctor was an endocrinologist I went to be checked for thyroid problems. Within days of being put on thyroid medication, the depression I felt lifted. For a few years, that’s all I needed, but then my job in tech started becoming stressful in ways that no woman should ever experience. My appetite disappeared, I lost weight, and I wasn’t sleeping. When I went in for a regular checkup with that doctor, he suggested I try an atypical anti-depressant called Mirtazapine. He suggested it because two of the side effects could work in my favor: weight gain and sleepiness.

    Initially that drug was a miracle that I was grateful for. It wasn’t until over a decade later I began to understand what a nightmare it really was.

    Sometimes I wonder what person I would be and where my career would’ve ended up be if I had not taken that drug. I slept well and I looked healthy, but I was emotionally blunted and only felt a few of the major emotions: mainly anxiety. Depression that had taken away my appetite and my will to live morphed into a very functional, career-driven anxiety while on Mirtazapine. I regret the disconnected mother I was during those years. I regret how I let the stress of taking care of my family financially overwhelm me to the point where that drug seemed like a great way out.

    Fast forward to the end of 2019. Mirtazapine had stopped working, and I wasn’t sleeping well anymore. My job at that time was quite stressful, but not in the ways that my first job in tech was. I quit taking Mirtazapine and did a sleep study shortly thereafter. What I learned was interesting. When I laid in bed for hours thinking that I was not asleep, I was in a light stage of sleep. I also learned that for whatever reason, I really wasn’t getting much REM sleep. Looks like I probably wasn’t processing emotions well either: https://neurosciencenews.com/sleep-emotion-processing-20578/

    It took me years to get off of Mirtazapine. I had been gradually tapering down for close to 3 years prior, thinking that many of my other health problems might be tied to that drug. At the end of 2019, I was to the point where I could go off of it and not experience a psychotic break because of it. Luckily I had a doctor who would work with me and my own plan for how to taper down. Most doctors would taper you off much faster than I found feasible, so eventually, I would come up with my own plan.

    I ended up quitting the stressful job in April of 2020, after the pandemic had started. The stress of the societal upheavals combined with my marriage ending was intense, but looking back, I still was not emotionally present in the way that I am now. I believe it took four years for the emotional blunting effects of that drug to wear off.

    At the end of 2023, my heart was broken by a rather sudden and cold withdraw by a person whom I thought would never do such a thing to me. I was going through some other major stressors when he told me it was over. I was worried about possibly losing my job in consulting and dealing with a possible ulcer and gastritis infection. I was in pain and losing weight, and now the person I felt closest to in the world was gone.

    I knew instinctively that the sadness that surfaced after the breakup could not entirely be pinned on the breakup. I knew that there were other emotions tucked away that I had neglected tending to: the guilt and sadness for the end of my marriage, the death of the person I used to think that I was, the guilt for not being a better mother and for being career-obsessed when my children were young. The guilt of being a reactive coworker who’d get triggered at the slightest thing, and the employee who gave too much to her job while neglecting her marriage and her children. I regret all the present moments that I wasted by being trapped somewhere else, worried about the future or obsessing about the past.

    I find myself somewhere in The Dark Night of The Soul. Perhaps I’m still experiencing the existential depression. I feel that my ego is dying and none of the things that used to drive me matter much anymore. What does matter to me? In many ways, I have lived my life up to this point for others, deriving no real happiness from it and running on the fumes of anxiety, trying to be what everyone else expected me to me. I am done with that style of living, if it can be called that. I think what I’ve been doing can more accurately be called “coping”.

    A few things are emerging, and I don’t find it coincidental that they are all creative. Writing, music, dance, and painting all hold a sacred space for me. I love to cook and travel and spend time in nature. I feel called to finish a book I’ve been working on for years. I’m questioning whether or not I will always work in tech. Perhaps after my children are grown I will reevaluate and see if I want to teach like I originally planned to when I was in college.

    I don’t know what the future holds. I’m scared these dark emotions will continue to linger and no rays of sunshine will ever come through again. I’m scared that I’ll break from the pressure of having to support my family when I really just want to rest. I’m finding ways to take care of myself that I have never bothered with before, like meditation and learning how to be still and in solitude. I have hope that the darkness will pass, because it has always passed before. Is this time different? Yes, very much so, but I know that it is different in ways that will significantly change me the rest of my life. I’m in the in-between stage between being in a cocoon and being a butterfly. If you look too closely, you would see a gooey disorganized mess, but if you wait long enough, you should see the butterfly.

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  • On Becoming A #SQLNewSpeaker

    April 25, 2017

    I did it. I became a PASS speaker. My first event was at SQL Saturday Phoenix 2017 which happened on March 25, 2017.
    I skipped the normal process of presenting at the local user’s group and went straight for a SQL Saturday. Why would I do that? Well, two reasons:

    • Not scared, didn’t feel the need to practice at a local UG first to get over my “nerves”.
    • The local UG meets at 3pm! I work a significant distance from there, so I’d have to take off a half-day of work to make the trek there.
    I wouldn’t advise taking my non-traditional route to speaking, unless you’ve had tons of previous speaking experience and/or a degree in education.
        I really wanted to speak, but had no good ideas for what to speak on. Everyone covers TSQL. I could do something that focuses on math from a non-statistical angle, but I wasn’t excited about that topic either. I was working on a really cool new thing at work (BIML) so I submitted a session abstract on that topic. I knew that in order to be an effective speaker, I must be passionate about my subject. BIML at least gave me that.
        Phoenix selected that session! Woot! My preparation for the session happened mostly at my day job. I was in a lull between projects (usually ETL w/SSIS) so I had time to do some research & development. I was able to give a mini presentation at my job on the subject of BIML and why we should use it. My boss green-lighted my continued work on the project, so I worked on it at work while only needing to abstract it (setting it up to run against an AdventureWorks database instead of a work database) at home. The planets aligned!
        I never had a chance to practice verbally. I had planned to the weekend before the session, but I got pretty sick with bronchitis and asthma and almost lost my voice. I decided to forego the verbal run through, and just rehearse in my mind instead. Again, I do not advise using this approach. A verbal run through is a good thing! Especially if you’ve never spoken!
        The time to travel to Phoenix arrived. I was still under the weather, but there was no way I was going to back out of this. I went to the doctor the day before I got on the plane and got some new asthma medication to treat the bronchitis. That would at least keep me out of the ER in Phoenix.
        I made the conscious decision to flip the switch to “extrovert” in my mind, and go out of my way to introduce myself to people at the conference and socials. I figured that most people in tech are probably introverts, so they might actually appreciate my introductions. It worked! On Friday, there was a speaker event at a local bar, and I met a handful of people that I had really good conversations with. Grant Fritchey was also speaking at the event, so I made sure to talk with him. He’s the only technical writer that I’ve bothered to print! I really hate reading PDFs. PS: He’s NOT scary! I also spoke with Peter Kral. He won #SpeakerIdol at PASS Summit 2016, and it was quite fascinating to hear his take on the whole event. I don’t think I’d ever enter that. I know my weaknesses, and only having 5 minutes to speak would make me speak really fast. No bueno. I’m a detail person, and by no means a salesperson, which is what you have to be in such a limited amount of time. I also spoke with Mindy Curnutt. I didn’t realize that I had attended a session of hers a few years ago, and remembered thinking at the time that it was odd that she worked for a company that I’d dealt with as the IT Manager for a produce company. I went to their user’s conference in fact. We spoke about those industries and the problems we encountered. Wow, small world!
        Anyways, I’m really glad I flipped that switch. Met some great people and had some great conversations with them. In fact…I managed to get two of them to attend my session.
        Saturday arrived. My session was scheduled for the last slot of the day. I knew that the odds of having a bunch of people in my session were small. BIML may be new and exciting, but unless you work with SSIS/SSAS on a regular basis, you probably wouldn’t be attending my session. Grant Fritchey attended my session, which turned out to be huge blessing. I ended up borrowing a cable. I had problems connecting to the projector, and that ate of ALL of my time before the session. I also fought a new laptop that I didn’t spend enough money on that took a million years to load SSMS and Visual Studio.
        My presentation, despite the road bumps, went really well. My audience was small, but I strove to make it relevant and coherent. I already mentioned that I was passionate. I think I succeeded. I feel that I succeeded. There are things I’d do differently, like bring all the cords. I’ve already upgraded the hard-drive on my laptop to SSD so I won’t be terrified of rebooting the laptop when SSMS doesn’t connect, but overall, I was happy with it. I think I’ll spend a little bit more time in the intro about what BIML is and what you’re doing when you use it, but other than that, I think my angle on covering the BIMLSCRIPT (C# within the BIML files) was a good plan. Grant gave me some feedback immediately afterwards, and he said I did a great job. Phew! Someone who knows how to speak said I did a great job! Yay! My teaching degree wasn’t a complete waste after all!
        At this point, I think it’s likely I will present again, but I’m not sure when or how often. The planets aligned for this, and I suppose they may align again. I will be presenting the same session to the local UG in May of 2017. After that though? I’m unsure. I would like to speak at PASS Summit one day.
        My advice to you if you’re considering become a speaker? Try it at least once, but remember to strive for passion, relevance, and coherence. You need to be useful to your audience. Also, flip the switch to Extrovert! Introduce yourself to people you’d like to meet. You won’t regret it. Tech geeks are awesome!
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  • PASS Summit 2016

    November 2, 2016

    Last week I attended Pass Summit 2016 in Seattle. It was my third time attending the Summit, having attended every year since I learned about its existence.

    I am an introvert. These types of events are hard for me. I usually spend much of my time alone, just trying to absorb as much as possible from the sessions that I attend. I find it easier to get on a stage and dance in front of a crowd than to introduce myself to people. It’s odd, I know, but being on stage gives me a chance to hide behind a character or to express emotion through movement. Not through awkward conversations where I’ll surely stick my foot in my mouth.

    Since I’ve been attending Pass events with ever increasing regularity, I’ve come to know some people in the Pass community. I’ve attended two SQL Saturdays, and three Summits. I joined Twitter and became a part of the active Twitter community that exists through the #SQLFamily hash tag. Through time, I’ve come to learn the most recognized names in the community and who to take sessions from.

    This Summit was a unique experience for me, for a few major reasons. The week before I traveled to Seattle, my new boss sat me down for a 5-month performance review. In that review, he told me that I’m “doing great technically” but…I’m “not doing so well talking with the customers”. I could’ve cut him off at the first part, because that’s really the only part that matters to me. I already know I’m not great with people. Let me clarify that a little more- I can be really good with people, at times. I am not good with people who are overly needy, who like to come up with excuses for why they aren’t doing a better job, or who play politics to try and get ahead. I’m good with people who work hard, are smart, and preferably are a combination of those two things. If your incompetence puts what I perceive to be undue pressure on my life, in time, I will crack. I will become sarcastic and unpleasant. I am not the most patient person in the world, and honestly, I do not aspire to be. I mitigate my anxiety every way that I know how, and sometimes sarcasm works. I hate to admit it, but it works. It causes people to take a step back away from me, and sometimes that is exactly what I need.

    As a result of this rather unpleasant conversation, I decided I would take some “professional development” sessions. I usually avoid those like the plague, and spend all of my time learning new technical skills or improving existing ones.

    The first one was Fundamentals of Tech Team Leadership, by Kevin Kline. In Kevin’s session, I learned that my ONLY persuasion technique will not work on certain types of people. It’s the only one I use because it’s the only one that works on me, and the only one that I respect. That technique would be rational appeal. I see the others as forms of manipulation, and I try to avoid them. Most people are not like me though, so this is where I go wrong. It is not logical to try and convince someone logically if they don’t value logic. Ironically, I wasn’t being logical in my approach. There’s a blinding flash of the obvious!

    The second one was 500-Level Guide to Career Internals by Brent Ozar. I was intimidated by the title, and initially didn’t want to attend. By the time Friday rolled around, I decided I was too mentally exhausted to try and wrap my brain around something complex, so I decided I would take it easy and people watch Brent and his team in this session. I am so glad that I did!

    Brent managed to connect some dots in my brain that have been previously disconnected. Those two dots are consulting and presenting.

    I have my own freelance consulting business, and it usually gets me an extra $10k-$20k per year in before-tax income. I want to grow that business. I’ve even thought about eventually getting away from the traditional full time job and just being a consultant, but getting enough customers to get me there is daunting.

    I also want to become a Pass presenter. My education was in Mathematics Education, and I enjoy teaching other people and public speaking. Up to this point, the only thing holding me back from presenting was the intimidation I feel being surrounded by a bunch of incredibly bright people who are at the top of their technical fields. What would I present on? Sure I know some stuff, and some of it pretty well. How can I be interesting AND useful, at the same time in the same presentation? What value would doing this add to my life and my career? I’ve got a full time job, a family, and hobbies that I feel passionately about. Yes, I love teaching, but I also love my family and being in shape.

    Along comes Brent, who helped me to understand that these two things are interrelated.  Presenting and blogging can help increase my client base for my freelance business. Again, another blinding flash of the obvious! I was so hung up on not wanting to be a teacher that I missed the bigger picture. I thought that I’d only want to be a presenter if I wanted to run a consulting business based around teaching other people. I really missed the boat on that one! Yes, I see it now! It can help me land clients. This is marketing, in the digital age. Of course.

    So what now? I plan to stay at the day job, blog more, and hopefully present. I’d love to enter the Speaker Idol competition at Summit, and win the chance to teach an entire session at a later Summit. I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever I do, I must continue to surround myself by these people. I am learning very much from them, things I didn’t even imagine that I wanted to learn, and I’m excited!

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