“My only way way out is to go so far in” – Tori Amos, Spring Haze
I’ve been writing for over a decade. At first, it felt like a strange compulsion to write about some rather disconnected experiences I’d been having. Over time, the collection grew. There would be periods in my life where I would be quite verbose, and others where I found myself in a morose, almost alexithymic state. I seem to have intermittent access to the words that are buried deep within my psyche. When the words materialize in my mind, I begin writing, and during those times I am quite prolific. Sadly I acknowledge that this state is a temporary one, so I should take advantage of it while it is here.
When I first began writing, I didn’t have a plan. It felt chaotic and unorganized, which is the exact opposite of how I work as a software engineer. I always seem to have a plan, even though I usually don’t write it down and I probably couldn’t articulate it to anyone if I tried. I never seem to need to though, it’s like it’s seared into my brain and I can see the beginning, middle and end, all simultaneously.
I may not have initially understood why I felt compelled to write, but I do now. The plan came together after a handful of experiences that involved some discussions with a good friend of mine, and a few random dates I went on with guys who’d been married in the temple but were recently divorced. All these years I was convinced my experience was unique, only to find out that the kinds of things I’d be going through had been a shared experience with many couples in the Church. My experience may be shared, but my perspective is not. I need to write, because there is a message for leaders of the Church and also for the women in it. That message has to do with the shame we so easily pick up, and the consequences of doing so.
This message may lead to my ex-communication. I have accepted that now. This is the road I must walk, and in so doing, I acknowledge the risk. I can not see the end of this story of my life, but I feel that I am nearing the beginning of the final chapters of it. My story may cause some discomfort in myself and others, and I hope that whatever discomfort I cause is outweighed by the change that it inspires. My journey has been difficult yet awe-inspiring, tinged with moments of great loss and even greater triumph.
I am now assembling the connections of writings that I was once felt were discombobulated into the message that I have for the world. It’s as if a great puzzle is coming together, and all of the pieces are falling into place.
“Chaos is the score upon which reality is written” – Henry Miller
